#My Suicide and Christmas

Eight years ago I found myself homeless after making several consecutive stupid decisions. I had been fired from my job for attendance and couldn’t find a steady job. My partner didn’t want to work any more hours than she was already working at her part-time job. All I could find was working part-time as a waiter at a Mexican restaurant. We were late on our rent and were about to lose our apartment. To help our situation, we found an apartment with free first month’s rent and we were about to move in. I was really hurt that my partner still didn’t want to take on more hours to help make things better financially. She continued to drink every night with the money she made and I didn’t see a real solution in sight.

A friend of ours invited us over to party one evening and as normal, my partner got drunk and passed out. The friend started flirting with me and I fell for it, like an idiot. It was exciting to see any open door at that time and I had not been happy for a long time with my partner and her alcoholism. The woman and I started seeing each other but in a couple weeks the excitement wore off: I started feeling guilty. I told her we needed to break it off until I could leave my partner. Looking back on it, it must have been a challenge for her to see if she could get me after I told her that- like a game. I ended up leaving my wife and children for her.

Four months later she was pregnant with my child and she was talking about an abortion. She ended up kicking me out and I had nowhere to go. All of a sudden the world started crashing down on me. I realized how I had hurt my kids, the one thing I never ever intended to do. My daughter and I got into a big fight and I could feel her pain so much that I didn’t want to live any more. I remember driving down the highway at over 100 miles per hour, fighting back the tears and looking for a good place to end my life.

Something, which I believe was GOD, talked me out of it and I called my mom. She opened up her home for me to come stay with her, after 20 years of my being independent.   It was difficult to get out of bed every day and I thought of suicide often. A loving cousin of mine introduced me to the book “The Secret” and it help me realize how I had created this incredibly bad life because of my thought processes. Though it was one day at a time and I still made a lot of mistakes, I started slowly creating a positive-thinking habit.

Forward to 8 years later and it is now 2 weeks until Christmas and I am thinking about how blessed my life has become. I have both my kids in my life. I have an incredible career where I am able to bless many lives and I am married to the most wonderful person I have ever known. I am also blessed with a beautiful loving step daughter who is a beautiful light in my life.


Though many of you may be going through troubled waters right now, there is hope! If you are still breathing, there is ALWAYS hope! Please stop and look at the beauty all around you. You do have a purpose! There are two things that have helped me; gratitude and giving. It is impossible to be down on yourself or be the victim when you are giving and being thankful for the many blessings you have. Love the people around you: You never know what someone is going through.

If you are the one that is hurting then love yourself enough to get help. Talk to a friend, talk to a pastor, or talk with a professional. My life is proof that things get better: You shouldn’t make a permanent decision based on temporary circumstances.

National Suicide Hot line 1-800-273-8255                           http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


One Comment Add yours

  1. Sheila Schtoeder says:

    I am proud to say that I know you and have worked as your employee after this low point in your life
    I truly believe God put you here for a reason and that is to bring hope and positive thinking to those around you
    Take care my friend


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